Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays in the palm; clutch it, and it darts away. -Dorothy Parker,
and here is dearest Rumi:
A lover came to see a beloved
He knocked at the door
The beloved answered from the inside:
“Who is it?”
The lover said: “It’s me!”
The beloved said: “Go away!
There is no room in this heart for two me's!”
The lover went away
into an exile of agony
He was raw
in the fire of love.
Once more came the beloved’s voice:
“Who is it?”
This time the lover said:
“It’s you, o beloved!”
The Beloved said:
“Since you are me,
enter into me!”
The eye of the needle.
So to you,
The you whom I’ve melted into
Praise be to Him
Who melts us
Gives us a rising
just little things come to the surface
– “oh they all say I’m a wolf”
– “silence is the best way I’ve found.” (Your way of breaking up with me. )
– “don’t reply to this. It’ll only end up in painful arguments.”
Oh AP. You’d done this many times before. Maybe that was why it hurt your exwife – you’d promised not to do it again.
So although this meant the world to me – broke my world apart – to you it was just another game, and plenty more gullible insecure females where I came from.
Why? What was it? Anger in your lack of love as a boy gave you pleasure to destroy hope in others? Especially middle class comfortable women who you fondly imagine hadn’t suffered like you had? O there is such rage burning in your heart. And jealousy – everything to you was a competition. And your art suffers because of this.
I hope you are released from these powerful demons and find love. And peace not escape. And vision beyond self pity to be the great artist that you are but not always show.
I’m so sorry you were treated so unfairly, cruelly, and not given the love you needed, deserved as a fellow human.
Thank you for me learning of the darker sides of myself too. And being my touch paper to rediscovering my poetic mystical ecstatic part of me I thought long gone.
Please forgive me for not understanding. For making demands on you you were unable to give, for compromising your life in some ways.
I will always love you. But I’ve walked away now. And found a dear kind loving man whose heart is open to listen and share. And who I would like to walk with. And with whom I feel Gods blessing drenching through us. Wherever it leads.
The tide turns.
The heart expands.
Not sure where this is going but it’s strangely ok. Something is healing that was broken deep.
He seems to like me and I like who I am with him…. He is kind and clever and musical and i like to help and think I can…… and he is lovely….. I see the sapling in him ….. baby steps
a thought. In facing ones nemesis, standing it down, naming it (as ones shadow side, or fear) results in seeing yourself (for me anyway) very differently and the world and how who where God is. Metanoia.
« La mesure de l’amour, c’est d’aimer sans mesure « (Saint Augustin)
And loving doesn’t mean liking. For me it is wanting the best for someone irrespective of my own wishes. To love them where they are. No conditions. Not expecting. And not allowing my hurt and anger to judge. Forgiveness, of others and ourselves, is a continuous process.
And keep looking up! In wonder seeing things anew, in a different light, struck in awe. Nature has several times recently just shot through me like ecstasy. The sun in the sky yesterday evening, the green of the trees, the candle trees candling, water drops sparkling on my dogs body after swimming in the lake. They cut me to tears.
I don’t understand this, I try and approach answers and get lost. So I ask for wisdom, and wisdom songs. To be a friend to myself, so I can be a friend to others.
To love without measure.
I met a man,
A strange light burning in his eyes,
His smell was clean and wild
And shoulders warm.
I met a man
His arms hang sadly by his side,
His heartbeat frantic like a hare
poised to run.
And something happened,
Bewildering to me,
He imprinted me,
We breathed, we became as one.
His words like keys
opened out my frozen heart
and greening parts of me I thought long gone.
I met a man
He is in everyone